By Jeff Cahlon
As controversy over the “Trump Tapes” and the heated second presidential debate continued to swirl, embattled Republican nominee Donald Trump issued the following statement:
“At the town hall debate on Sunday night, I again proved to the American people that though I know nothing about Russia or many other things, I do know something much more important: leadership and temperament, which I showed through my courageous call to imprison my opponent.
“Of course, I also showed that I’m a gentleman. In fact, it’s because I’m such a gentleman that it was so hard for me to call my opponent a hate-filled devil who will soon be in prison where she belongs. But somehow, I found the courage to say it. It was so brave, to tell you the truth, that I may finally get that Purple Heart I’ve always wanted.
“Not only am I a gentleman, but in fact, no one has more respect for women than I do. That’s why the attacks against me by Crooked Hillary and the corrupt media, claiming I disrespect women just because of some locker room banter, have been so unfair.
“I’ve had to overcome the biased media from the beginning of my campaign. They have been so biased against me they don’t even have any record of my statements opposing the Iraq war before it started, just because I never made any. Unfair!
“In fact, my only regret about the debate is that, because of the moderators, who were clearly biased against me, I didn’t get a chance to more thoroughly discuss some important issues. One such issue is my great balance sheet, which is so important I brought it up in response to a totally unrelated question. But I didn’t get a chance to talk about how my tremendous balance sheet is even more impressive when you consider the fact that, to achieve it, I only needed to declare bankruptcy six times– I mean, use my amazing business genius to take advantage of the laws of this country.
“In fact, the moderators were so biased against me they didn’t even call Crooked Hillary on her many lies, such as her claim that I would personally benefit from my own tax cut plan. This is ridiculous since as everyone knows I already don’t pay any taxes. Hillary’s accusation that I am anti-immigrant is also totally false. In fact, some of my best wives have been immigrants.
“But believe me, after my great victory on November 8, I will not waste any time in fulfilling my promise to make America great again. The first thing I will do, of course, is throw Crooked Hillary in jail. But it won’t only be her. I will be loosening the libel laws as I promised, so that those in the corrupt media and others who have treated me unfairly will suffer the consequences for the horrible crime of trying to rig the election. Fox News bimbo Megyn Kelly, for example, has been so unfair to me throughout this election, I just want to grab her by the … wherever. And I think everyone would agree she deserves it. As for Rosie O’Donnell, I have a very special prosecutor in mind for her. His name is Chris Christie and there is only one type of verdict in his courtroom: Guilty. (Although Chis may be too busy to take this on. He has told me that he actually wants to be Transportation Secretary, because he has some important traffic studies he wants to conduct.)
“And what if I lose? Well I won’t, but if that were to happen it could only be because the election was rigged. And in that case, I suppose there is nothing I could do about it. Although second amendment people might be able to do something. I don’t know. But if they did do something, I think it’s only fair that I pay their legal bills.
“Because I won’t let anything stop me from making America great again. Not Crooked Hillary, not the corrupt media, not even the so-called Republican ‘leadership.’
“When I grab for something, I don’t wait.”