By Jeff Cahlon
New excerpts from Donald Trump’s hacked personal diaries contain even more shocking revelations:
April was the most fun I’ve had yet as president. The funnest part, of course, was when I ordered the bombing of Syria while eating chocolate cake with the president of China.
The fake media attacked me because, in an interview with Maria Bartiromo, I remembered the “most beautiful piece of chocolate cake” I was eating when I bombed Syria, but forgot which country I bombed. This criticism is ridiculous. Does anyone really think Harry Truman ever forgot the spectacular strawberry cheesecake he was eating when he gave the order to drop the atomic bomb on Germany?
I was so excited about eating chocolate cake while bombing Syria I called Bill Clinton to tell him about it. Bill responded, “Bfd. Let me know when you’ve managed to simultaneously eat pizza, wreak destruction on a Third World country, and get fellated by an intern.”
Bill told me he had to cut short our conversation because he had an interview scheduled with an intern candidate for the Clinton Foundation and he was expecting her any minute. I suggested perhaps we could talk a little more but he said, “Sorry Donald, need to run. Pizza is here.”
The Syrian situation was only one of many messes that I inherited from President Obama. And though I’ve been doing a tremendous job cleaning up these messes, it hasn’t always been as easy as I expected. Of course, cleaning up messes has gotten harder in general since I’ve been keeping the Mexicans out.
It doesn’t help that the dishonest media continue to spread fake news about me. For example, they claim I flip-flopped because I said during the campaign that China is a currency manipulator but now I recognize that they aren’t. Actually, the Chinese are just as sneaky as I always thought. But I discovered it is much harder to manipulate currency than it is to manipulate the temperature.
Near the end of the month we celebrated my wife’s birthday, and since I am a very romantic person, I thought of something appropriate to say for the occasion. I told Melania, “Happy birthday darling. I will never forget our wedding day and how beautiful the cake looked that night.”
Melania gave me a strange look so I went on, “Don’t you remember how amazing that cake was, honey? I even had to tell someone at the wedding, ‘Save some for the other guests, Chris Christie.’”
I mentioned to Melania how unfortunate it was that my friend Bill O’Reilly had to leave Fox News because of ridiculous accusations of sexual misconduct. She agreed and said, “And by the way, the plagiarism accusations against Neil Gorsuch are totally unfair.”
Shortly afterwards, I happened to see Chris Christie and I asked him about a recent interview he gave on the Today show about his associates being sentenced for their role in Bridgegate. Chris had said in the interview, “It’s not my role or anybody else’s role other than the judge in the courtroom to pass sentence on people who have committed crimes.”
I asked Chris about this and he said, “Let’s talk about a much more important question: Why isn’t Hillary locked up yet?”
One promise no one can deny that I’ve kept is to hire only the best people. I did have to shake things up a little when I removed Steve Bannon from the National Security Council, while reinstating the chairman of the Joint Chiefs and intelligence director, and adding the energy secretary, CIA director and United Nations ambassador.
They will all, of course, continue to report to Jared Kushner.
As my son Eric told Forbes, “Nepotism is kind of a factor of life.” Eric is right, of course. As that ancient Irish proverb goes, “The only things certain in life are death, nepotism, and avoiding taxes.”
I’ve also been getting along very well with my vice president Mike Pence. We give each other very useful advice. For example, recently I read that Mike does not like to be alone with women who are not his wife because he is afraid of what he might do. I told Mike to just always carry around a box of Tic Tacs and he can’t go wrong.
Even with all the unfair attacks against me, nothing can take away from how much fun I had bombing Syria. In fact, I am already trying to decide which country to bomb next. My attorney general Jeff Sessions mentioned that there is some “island in the Pacific” that is causing trouble. I told Jeff this “island” better be careful.
Chocolate cake is on the menu tonight.