As polls tightened in the waning days of the 2016 presidential election, Donald Trump, increasingly confident of victory, prepared his victory speech. An advance copy is printed below:
My fellow Americans, today is a great day for me and for America. We finally have a country again, and we are on our way back to greatness.
The people have spoken, and I have achieved a great victory, despite malicious attempts to rig the election against me and massive voter fraud. As just one example: large numbers of votes for Crooked Hillary, by you-know- who-I’m- talking-about, have been counted in the inner cities. This could only be the result of massive fraud, since there is no way they could have all made it to the polls without getting shot.
It’s been a long, tough campaign. I’ve been called many mean, nasty things. Cancer. Pathological liar. Conman. Fraud. Sniveling coward. And that was just by the Republicans. Of course, after I defeated them, all of these Republicans supported me. I guess they hoped to avoid the fate of Crooked Hillary, who, by the way, I’ve already had imprisoned. But as I’ve said, I keep grudges, and these Republicans will soon be joining Crooked Hillary in jail. Like all great leaders, I’m a firm believer in that famous saying: If you hate somebody, lock them up.
Because there is something my opponents never understood about me. If I’m a conman, I’m not just a conman. I’m a really great conman.
I’ve already had a great, amazing, tremendous life. I’ve been the “author” of numerous best-selling books, some of which I’ve even skimmed parts of. I produced a “reality television” show that was about as real as my hair. I lost so much money in a single year I could probably live to 100 and never pay a dime in taxes. I’ve failed at more businesses than most people have even patronized, and insulted more religious and ethnic groups than most people even know exist. (Hell, I even made fun of Dr. Ben Carson for being a “Seventh-day Adventist”. Is that even a real thing?) I’ve groped, grabbed, insulted, and humiliated countless women from all walks of life, from beauty queens to porn stars. I founded a “charity” that I used to purchase a massive portrait of myself. You might say I’ve done it all.
And then there was my greatest achievement, Trump University, where I convinced people great things would happen to them, if they just followed my simple advice.
Sound familiar, America?
By the way, my trial for fraud, in connection with Trump University, that was scheduled to begin in three weeks, will no longer take place. The judge, a Mexican and a very bad hombre, is already on his way to Mexico courtesy of my newly formed deportation force. We have a country again, and bad hombres are not a part of it.
Everything I’ve ever done, I’ve done bigly. Or is it big league? Even I don’t really know for sure. In fact, most of the time I don’t really know what I’m saying. Which is why I’m amused by how people analyze my statements. Do I mean what I say? Am I being serious? Am I joking? Sarcastic? The real answer to all these questions is always the same: yes, no, maybe and it doesn’t matter. I say what I feel like saying at any given moment, and none of it ever really means anything in particular. I’ve already explained that I have the temperament of a six year old. Do people ask whether a six year old really means what he says?
And what six year old doesn’t want to be the most powerful person in the world?
Schemes and adventures like Trump University and the Trump Foundation were fun, even profitable (I do really love that portrait). At age 70, I could have just some ridden off into the sunset with a few more similar feats and busts, and maybe even another new wife or two (speaking of which, Melania doesn’t know this yet, but my deportation force is coming for her next. Now that we have a country again, I have to prove to people I will enforce the immigration law impartially).
But as tremendous as my many achievements have been, they were not quite bigly enough to be worthy of my greatness. Until now.
People told me I had no chance of being elected, because I don’t have any relevant experience. To which I say: Wrong! I have the best type of experience: getting people to do what you want them to do, by convincing them to believe what they want to believe. Ask the students of Trump University if I don’t have any relevant experience.
People told me I couldn’t get elected, because I don’t know anything about policy. To which I say: Wrong! That would be like saying there was no way I could open a “university” that teaches people how to be successful in business, just because I don’t really know anything about how to be successful in business. Hundreds of dissatisfied Trump University students who are suing me would beg to differ.
Abraham Lincoln—the late, great Abraham Lincoln, as I like to call him—said that you can fool all the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but not all of the people all of the time.
To which I say: So what? I don’t need to fool all of the people, I only need to fool more people than the competition. And when the competition is people like Lyin’ Ted and Little Marco, that’s not so tough.
People laughed when I said I have a very good brain. But when low-energy Jeb said you can’t insult your way to the presidency, I knew better.
Like Dr. King, the famous black from the inner city (where, sadly but inevitably, he got shot), I had a dream too, and now that my dream has been realized, it’s even greater than I imagined.
The whole world is my Trump University, and school is in session.